A Raw Tree: Graphic

my grandmother died over the holiday* it was a very weird thing* it was totally expected but even the expected seemed unexpected* my family has its fair share of drama* in the throws of an "emergency" my family seemed to really act out* i sat there calmly and quietly as my grandmother died* holding her hand* remembering what it was like before everything in her mind had started to fall apart* i wanted so badly for her to be able to tell me all the secrets she had unlocked about life--- but she wasn't able to* or was she?

my sister sent me a link to a video the other day* it was titled "the unassisted birth of ________*" i sat there watching it like someone would watch a train wreck* i am in nursing school and my hope after i graduate is to eventually work in the nicu but to start off in labor in delivery* i find birth to be a beautiful thing* it is amazing how many things have to happen physiologically for the most basic necessity (procreation) of our race to take place* before i realized that my most recent pregnancy was going to be high risk---i had toyed with the idea of using a midwife* i am not freaked out by home births as long as both mother and baby are in a safe environment and have access to medical attention if need be* this lady---in the unassisted birth--- had me thinking she was a downright nut* she was completely undressed* had her two and five year old in the room with her, was screaming at the top of her lungs, and in between contractions was creating (what she called) "a feast of melon" for the two year old* the final shot of her newest "tree"(this is what she called each of her children) was horrifying* the babies head was just there*hanging* for minutes* i have birthed my own children (naturally with no drugs) and i have been present at the birth of a friends child where i was responsible for holding a leg* so honestly, i am really, usually, not freaked out by birth*

after thinking about my reaction few hours i realized something* we come into this world very similarly to the way we leave it* i prefer dealing with the coming into the world part but some people really know how to  handle the going out part (my grandmothers nurse for example)* both life and death come and enter into the unknown* they are both work* there is nothing peaceful about either* as ridiculous as i found "unassisted birth lady" to be--- she had a point* we are all trees* we start from nothing* we grow, blossom, and learn* we put in our roots* we create a beautiful complicated life* we shed our leaves and do it over again* and then we start to bend a little* still wise with our knowledge but we start to break down* as we cycle back into the unknown we leave our mark on the known* we make the earth rich, whole, and make room for the next tree to be planted and grow*  "unassisted lady" was raw* i mean really raw* she threw it in your face how difficult all life processes are* including the happiest one* i am so thankful for how my tree stands this far and i am even more tankful for the roots that have intertwined my own to give my life that extra pop* g*p*d* planted firm roots and left me with such a strong message* life is work so don't postpone the joy*

Cough McCougher

i really need a break* like a roll over my foot with a car to make sure i really get a break--break*we keep passing some nasty cold around in my house* why us* k*a*s is on breathing treatments during rsv season this year* keep this note in mind* i love having people come visit and i love having my kids friends come play* but i have asked this year (very nicely) that because of k*a*s situation that people not come if they have any respiratory stuff going on* im not being a 'you know what' i just really dont want another hospital stay and i really dont want the baby sick (i spend enough time in the hospital for work-- and sick babies are  sad)* anyways* one of r*a*s friends came for a sleep over* the mom told me that she had some allergy stuff going on and that she had been to the dr and everything was fine* she got to my house and after getting over here with the girls already excited--- told me that the doctor had given the kiddo an antibiotic (which she hadn't start for these "allergies")* im in nursing school guys and i know that allergies are not treated with antibiotics* but my friend came up with this 'well just in case reason' and well--- i made a call to trust my friend* mistake* i got home from work that night and the little girl was coughing so badly that she was throwing up all over my house* some moms i will never understand* i have actually had this situation happen before with this same little girl* her mother seems to not be bothered that this little girl coughs so hard that she vomits* people* seriously* so this got me to thinking* why would a mom do this* well for starters she is a totally different kind of parent than i am* im not trying judge her---im really not* i mean heck---at this point if someone offered to have r*a*s spend the night i would probably cry with happiness because i am that exhausted* oh no---wait a minute---no i wouldn't* the whole time r*a*s was gone i would feel so guilty about her potentially getting the other kids sick that i wouldnt even rest* it would totally not be worth it* so what does this say about me* am i just a crazy mom that is too uptight* or am i a mom who has been lucky enough to have a lot of really great 'mom' models in my life to show me how to actually be one* because i did make the choice to have these kids-- right* and i did know that raising children goes past age 18--right* and i did know that life wasnt going to be about me and the amount of sleep i received at night--right* right* i am annoyed that we all got sick* but thats not why i was irritated* i am mad because my friend was putting her comfort before the well-being of my family and her own child* if a kid is coughing to the point of puking---should they really be spending the night out* absolutely not* but guess who was at home---in bed---counting sheep* not this mom right here* i was knee deep in laundry filled with some other kids vomit at 3am*

so how did i handle it with my friend* well about the time she walked in my door and i told her that her kid had coughed so hard she threw up endlessly all night and she said 'aw thats too bad' and offered no other words of her wisdom* i decided it probably wasn't worth anymore energy than what i had already exhausted* i talked to that same friend this morning and told her that r*a*s was finally able to go back to school today* she goes--'oh why wasn't she at school'* seriously* come on people*

so whats my suggestion for solution* no more sleep overs with cough mc*cougher until rsv and flu season is over*

from the mom who is sick of someone putting their needs before my kiddos and her own :)

Chlodzic, 
TFS

The Hectic of Hectic's

K*A*S came really early* i went to my obgyn (dr mayo) 4-24-12 and she decided to send me to a high risk ob (dr bk) to have him take a look at my blood pressure*  i didnt really know what to expect* dr mayo sent me right over to dr bk from her office so i really didn't have time to process* when i got to dr bks office they did an ultrasound to see how K*A*S was growing* they put her around 4lbs (31 weeks)* after looking at my blood pressure he decided to have me admitted to baptist womens so that he could really watch me and get a better idea if we were dealing with  pre-eclampsia* my doctors appointments had started at 9:00a on that tuesday* i left dr bks office, went home picked up a bag, and had M*D*S and R*A*S get me settled into the hospital*  i was some-what prepared for something like this on the home front but emotionally i was a wreck* M*D*S and R*A*S went home around 6p and i flipped the tv to calm myself down* i had been sitting there for a couple of hours when i started to feel really weird* it was sometime after shift change and i hadn't seen a nurse for awhile* i really started trying to focus on tlc (the t*v) but started to notice that for some reason i was really distracted* i got up and started walking around the room when the "braxton hicks" contractions really started* i couldnt catch my breath* i got back in bed and started watching the clock* 40 minutes went by and these suckers were coming right at every 5 minutes* not wanting to be a pain to the nurses i let this continue for another 20 minutes before i decided to let them know-----mistake number one----- (but i was there for my blood pressure---right)* i told the nurse over the intercom "i am having some sort of braxton hicks*" she came in, put me on the monitor, and after another half hour she came back with something to "stop the contractions*" i sat in bed for another half hour and didn't feel any more "braxton hicks*" the nurse came back in the room and took me off the monitors and told me that i should try to get some sleep---mistake number two--- (it was around 1:30a at this point)* i got out of bed, went to the bathroom, got back in bed, and all of a sudden it felt like the whole earth had cracked wide open* i could not even hit the intercom button* after a few minutes of hanging onto the side of the bed for dear life i was able to call a nurse* she hooked me back up to the monitor but after about 10 minutes a team of 5 nurses (no exaggeration here)---including the charge nurse--- came flying into my room* i was freaking out* i couldn't even talk to them* they flipped me over and said they were going to check me just to make sure, "i wasn't doing anything crazy*" the look on the charge nurses face after she checked me made me want to throw up* all i could get out was, "its not good is it--- am i past 8cm" she said "no your not passed 8 but your at 6"* next thing i know these nurses are (honest to god) picking me up out of bed, taking off my clothes, and putting me in a wheelchair* my blood pressure at this point was 168/115* i was in a total panic* in the middle of all of this i was trying to get in touch with M*D*S* his phone was off* i called a friend who is a police officer and he sent a car over to get M*D*S  they got me over to l&d and started me on mag (god bless you if you have ever had the stuff---i had it with R*A*S too---would not wish that experience on anyone) the next 48 hours where a total blur* everything was circling around the steroid shots they were trying to give to help K*A*S* everything was back and forth* i kept contracting and then they would stop it and then it would start again* they finally decided to move me back over to the "hold baby in floor :)* i went back and forth between l&d and antipardum my entire stay* during my stay at baptist womens i was constantly contracting with maybe 30 minutes here and there of relief when the meds had me in what they called "a holding pattern*"  i opted not to use any medication (sleep aids, pain meds, etc) that were not 100% necessary for my health or babies * on sunday may 6th my aunt came to see me* i had been having a particularly rough day and had not slept in a good 24 hours* a doctor that worked in my regular ob's practice came in (she would be the one to deliver K*A*S) and told me that she was insisting they give me something for pain* i allowed it and and finally got a couple hours of sleep* on monday i woke up and knew that the contractions had changed in nature* my first doctor for the day came in and i told her they were differnt (she ignored me)* i took a "nap" around 4p and my high risk ob woke me up at 6p* i told him my contractions were different (he ignored me)* i called M*D*S around 7 and told him he should probably get up to the hospital (we had a lot of calls like this)* a nurse who i had almost every night while at BWH came in to see me at 730 right after shift change* by this point i was crying (hard) i hadnt cried a single time during my stay there but by now i was scared---i knew K*A*S was going to come and it was going to be way too early* the nurse became frantic (my doctor would even comment on this later)* the nurse called the dr and got the order to check me (they had to get orders because i had been sitting at 6cm so long they were worried about infection)* when they checked me around 830 i was still at 6cm---- the problem this time was all the blood (change in cervix)* they moved me back over to l&d* my dr came to see me at about 1145 to  break my water* after my water broke K*A*S was here in 15 minutes* this is how that went: the doctor broke my water----i said oh ________--- she turned around and called for a delivery cart* my doctor never even left my room* may 8th 2012 when the meds finally stopped working we welcomed K*A*S into this world* he cry was tied for first with R*A*S cry as the best sound on this earth* this child--- was breathing on her own* she required oxygen for the first 30 minutes and then never again* she was transported to the NICU where she was to become known as "rock-star baby" we were told to expect a 4-6 week stay but 6 days later (the day after mothers day) K*A*S came home at 4lbs 11oz to be with her family*  i learned a lot about myself during this time and confirmed some really important things about the direction my life is currently headed* my kids are my biggest blessing (i really will do all things for them) and my career path (nursing) is exactly what it should be*

Chlodzic, 
TFS

A Baby Getting Ready For A Baby

family and friends know that i am directionally challenged* i mean this in a serious way* my first christmas with m*d*s i received a gps* my father moved from austin, tx up to washington DC and two years later i was still calling him for austin directions* folks----it's bad* when we moved to memphis i sort of knew the lay out since i had lived here as a child* my grandparents were here into my high school years so coming back for visits kept me familiar with the main roads/highways* today, as i had mentioned yesterday, r*a*s and i prepared for our trip to babies r us (which turned out to be disappointing)* i knew the general area of where i thought babies r us was located but when it came to figuring out how to get there i was a little nervous* one of the nice things about memphis is that some major roads run east/west in the city* if you get off track as long as you can find one of these roads chance are your going to be able to get yourself close to where you need to go even if you make a mistake (one of these roads is poplar)* i told r*a*s that i was looking up directions for babies r us * she was extremely impatient and was ready for me to get a move on* she looked at me and said, "silly mommy just take poplar" i almost peed my pants* what a ham*

we made it to babies r us without any problems* r*a*s was so excited to look for baby k*a*s stuff i thought she was going to pop* she kept saying, "mommy i have to know what that is for*" she touched almost every item in that place* this babies r us was split and had toys r us on the other side* i thought this was going to be a problem because i was sure r*a*s would find something over  on "her" side that she just had to have* she never even asked to go over there* she was 100% focused on k*a*s-- we spent a lot of time wandering around looking at things we didn't need (since we have most everything) and i used the opportunity to teach r*a*s what all the different baby gear is used for* our trip to babies r us has 3 goals* 1) medela bottles 2) replace the baby bathtub 3) check out the cloth diapers* 1) they only had one set of the medela bottles 2) they only had one baby tub that had a jacuzzi feature (seriously) 3) not one cloth diaper in that place* this babies r us was n-o-t like the one i was use to in austin* once we finished our shopping r*a*s said, "i am so excited about baby k*a*s i hope she is born soon*" i know r*a*s is going to be a fantastic big sister*

Chlodzic,
TFS

Get It Together

my hips are killing me today* i made the mistake of moving a desk out of my room and into the laundry room so that it would sit by a window* my doctor would probably kill me if she knew (m*d*s almost did when he got home)* i keep trying to get myself ready for this baby* it seems like the list is endless* i really don't need that much stuff (the diapers and storage bottles) but, trying to get the house in order well, that is just taking forever* i am not a fan of the master bedroom* it has a lot of space but, it is so ugly* our landlord made some very odd color choices for this house* living room and dinning room (gray) guest room (that horrible khaki color you see in most rentals) laundry room (sunshine yellow) kitchen (horrible green and gold wall paper) family room (horrible khaki) master (horrible khaki)* r*a*s room (crazy turquoise)* the thing about the khaki is that it just mutes everything* i understand why they used it---it goes with everything but, it also makes things feel so bland* back in the family room and master they have the same color carpet as the walls and gosh, it drives me nuts* it's like living in a khaki box* i am not very good at decorating---it is really not my thing--i don't have the touch (but, i try really hard)

After i got super fed up with the master i called mom* we have very different taste* i like the kind of things that make people say, "what is that*" for instance---- i have a book shelf and every time someone comes over they always look at it and always ask, 'what in the world is that*" i like very straight clean lines with a lot of cute patterns* i also love some awesome abstract art that brings some serious color* my mom on the other had is very traditional* she is way better at putting things together than i am* m*d*s and i have decided to put the crib in our room* this makes me kind of sad because it means that i will not be able to doll up a nursery (we don't have the money for that right now anyways, haha) but it will make things easier when it comes to nursing (i learned this with r*a*s)* instead of dolling up a nursery i am thinking about putting together a master/nursery combo* here are some things i am thinking about*

Taking Off Our Shoes

r*a*s and her guest had a great time this morning at the schools grandparents/grand friends day* i decided to tag along to make sure that r*a*s wasn't too wild* she did great* the morning started off with some b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l singing* durning the music concert r*a*s tried to get her shoes off (: she didn't do much singing but, always clapped for herself and sure did look cute doing it* after the concert we moved out to the playground and had a picnic together* she ate the grapes and chips that were provided to her guest and then ate the cheese (only) off of her sandwich along with some squeeze yogurt* she sure is a fantastic kiddo* she wore a dress my grandmother made (i wore it when i was little)* she looked adorable* she was pretty tired after the event was over* she jumped right in bed for her nap with baby kasey*

i have been doing some research on diapering* with the new baby i have decided to try something new* with r*a*s we used disposable diapers---i think this time i am going to try cloth* i know that sounds horrible but, from the research it seems that cloth diapers have come a long way* i have decided to try a brand called fuzzibunz* i need to get at least 12 and would love to have a few more than that* since the expense of the cloth diapers is all up front--- i think i am going to have to start off mixing the cloth with disposable*  my goal for the start of next week is to finally settle 100% and get the diapers ordered* maybe on saturday, (since m*d*s has to work) r*a*s and i will run to babies r us and take a look*

Chlodzic,
TFS

Get It Right

the last 24 hours have been really hard* i had a doctors appointment yesterday, with my obgyn* last week on tuesday i had an appointment with my cardiologist*after the appointment last week i left feeling really stressed out* i didn't understand why he was decreasing my meds when my blood pressure was 164/100* i convinced myself that my frustration was crazy and that my doctor knew what he was doing but, when i got to my obgyn yesterday, i was sure she was going to throw my chart-- she was so angry* i don't understand why they can't get my blood pressure controlled*

yesterday, was m*d*s day off so he went with me to the appointment* it was nice to have him there so he could hear for himself what my doctor said about the blood pressure issue* but..... after the doctors appointment he was in a horrible mood* he had a really short fuse all day yesterday*  it seemed like everything i did set him off* this morning wasn't much better* things are still really tight with the money stuff and when he realized just how tight it was going to be for the next couple of weeks he got super nervous and flew off the deep end* he is working really, really, really hard to make sure his girls are taken care of and i know he is frustrated* i decided to let him cool off and give him some space* he took r*a*s to school and i did some research on the blood pressure thing trying to figure out just how bad all of that looks* in the middle of my research i decided to check to see if my last grade was posted for the spring semester* i seriously made myself sick when i saw it* i was expecting an A and when the grade came up it said F(obviously this was wrong)* even though i knew an error had been made a million things flew threw my mind* how could this have happened* i called m*d*s in absolute hysterics (he now felt horrible for how he had acted this morning--- since it added a lot of unnecessary stress to my morning)* long story short, half way into last semester my last name changed with the school* there was a miscommunication between my professor and administration and she had given me the wrong grade thinking i was a mystery student who had never attended her class* all of this is now cleared up*

m*d*s took on the task of trying to grow grass in the yard of the house we are renting* i am excited to report that it has started to grow* this afternoon (if it warms up) i am going to let r*a*s jump threw the sprinkler (one of her all time fav things to do)* last night was r*a*s seventh night of putting herself to bed after her bath and our reading time together (her sticker chart is working)* i am so proud of her* she still has a couple of tears when i leave (which is hard) but, we give each other a lot of hugs and kisses and after about 30 minutes she is out like a light* i think she is getting better sleep* she is waking up earlier which is kind of a pain but, she waking up at the same time every morning which means she is getting consistent sleep*

tomorrow is grandparents day at r*a*s school* since she does not have any grandparents in memphis one of our very best "grandfriends" will be attending* she is so excited about this and so am i* i think i will sneak around tomorrow and take pictures of the event* tomorrow i will post about how everything went (im sure it will be fantastic)*

Chlodzic,
TFS