A Baby Getting Ready For A Baby

family and friends know that i am directionally challenged* i mean this in a serious way* my first christmas with m*d*s i received a gps* my father moved from austin, tx up to washington DC and two years later i was still calling him for austin directions* folks----it's bad* when we moved to memphis i sort of knew the lay out since i had lived here as a child* my grandparents were here into my high school years so coming back for visits kept me familiar with the main roads/highways* today, as i had mentioned yesterday, r*a*s and i prepared for our trip to babies r us (which turned out to be disappointing)* i knew the general area of where i thought babies r us was located but when it came to figuring out how to get there i was a little nervous* one of the nice things about memphis is that some major roads run east/west in the city* if you get off track as long as you can find one of these roads chance are your going to be able to get yourself close to where you need to go even if you make a mistake (one of these roads is poplar)* i told r*a*s that i was looking up directions for babies r us * she was extremely impatient and was ready for me to get a move on* she looked at me and said, "silly mommy just take poplar" i almost peed my pants* what a ham*

we made it to babies r us without any problems* r*a*s was so excited to look for baby k*a*s stuff i thought she was going to pop* she kept saying, "mommy i have to know what that is for*" she touched almost every item in that place* this babies r us was split and had toys r us on the other side* i thought this was going to be a problem because i was sure r*a*s would find something over  on "her" side that she just had to have* she never even asked to go over there* she was 100% focused on k*a*s-- we spent a lot of time wandering around looking at things we didn't need (since we have most everything) and i used the opportunity to teach r*a*s what all the different baby gear is used for* our trip to babies r us has 3 goals* 1) medela bottles 2) replace the baby bathtub 3) check out the cloth diapers* 1) they only had one set of the medela bottles 2) they only had one baby tub that had a jacuzzi feature (seriously) 3) not one cloth diaper in that place* this babies r us was n-o-t like the one i was use to in austin* once we finished our shopping r*a*s said, "i am so excited about baby k*a*s i hope she is born soon*" i know r*a*s is going to be a fantastic big sister*

Chlodzic,
TFS

Get It Together

my hips are killing me today* i made the mistake of moving a desk out of my room and into the laundry room so that it would sit by a window* my doctor would probably kill me if she knew (m*d*s almost did when he got home)* i keep trying to get myself ready for this baby* it seems like the list is endless* i really don't need that much stuff (the diapers and storage bottles) but, trying to get the house in order well, that is just taking forever* i am not a fan of the master bedroom* it has a lot of space but, it is so ugly* our landlord made some very odd color choices for this house* living room and dinning room (gray) guest room (that horrible khaki color you see in most rentals) laundry room (sunshine yellow) kitchen (horrible green and gold wall paper) family room (horrible khaki) master (horrible khaki)* r*a*s room (crazy turquoise)* the thing about the khaki is that it just mutes everything* i understand why they used it---it goes with everything but, it also makes things feel so bland* back in the family room and master they have the same color carpet as the walls and gosh, it drives me nuts* it's like living in a khaki box* i am not very good at decorating---it is really not my thing--i don't have the touch (but, i try really hard)

After i got super fed up with the master i called mom* we have very different taste* i like the kind of things that make people say, "what is that*" for instance---- i have a book shelf and every time someone comes over they always look at it and always ask, 'what in the world is that*" i like very straight clean lines with a lot of cute patterns* i also love some awesome abstract art that brings some serious color* my mom on the other had is very traditional* she is way better at putting things together than i am* m*d*s and i have decided to put the crib in our room* this makes me kind of sad because it means that i will not be able to doll up a nursery (we don't have the money for that right now anyways, haha) but it will make things easier when it comes to nursing (i learned this with r*a*s)* instead of dolling up a nursery i am thinking about putting together a master/nursery combo* here are some things i am thinking about*

Taking Off Our Shoes

r*a*s and her guest had a great time this morning at the schools grandparents/grand friends day* i decided to tag along to make sure that r*a*s wasn't too wild* she did great* the morning started off with some b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l singing* durning the music concert r*a*s tried to get her shoes off (: she didn't do much singing but, always clapped for herself and sure did look cute doing it* after the concert we moved out to the playground and had a picnic together* she ate the grapes and chips that were provided to her guest and then ate the cheese (only) off of her sandwich along with some squeeze yogurt* she sure is a fantastic kiddo* she wore a dress my grandmother made (i wore it when i was little)* she looked adorable* she was pretty tired after the event was over* she jumped right in bed for her nap with baby kasey*

i have been doing some research on diapering* with the new baby i have decided to try something new* with r*a*s we used disposable diapers---i think this time i am going to try cloth* i know that sounds horrible but, from the research it seems that cloth diapers have come a long way* i have decided to try a brand called fuzzibunz* i need to get at least 12 and would love to have a few more than that* since the expense of the cloth diapers is all up front--- i think i am going to have to start off mixing the cloth with disposable*  my goal for the start of next week is to finally settle 100% and get the diapers ordered* maybe on saturday, (since m*d*s has to work) r*a*s and i will run to babies r us and take a look*

Chlodzic,
TFS

Get It Right

the last 24 hours have been really hard* i had a doctors appointment yesterday, with my obgyn* last week on tuesday i had an appointment with my cardiologist*after the appointment last week i left feeling really stressed out* i didn't understand why he was decreasing my meds when my blood pressure was 164/100* i convinced myself that my frustration was crazy and that my doctor knew what he was doing but, when i got to my obgyn yesterday, i was sure she was going to throw my chart-- she was so angry* i don't understand why they can't get my blood pressure controlled*

yesterday, was m*d*s day off so he went with me to the appointment* it was nice to have him there so he could hear for himself what my doctor said about the blood pressure issue* but..... after the doctors appointment he was in a horrible mood* he had a really short fuse all day yesterday*  it seemed like everything i did set him off* this morning wasn't much better* things are still really tight with the money stuff and when he realized just how tight it was going to be for the next couple of weeks he got super nervous and flew off the deep end* he is working really, really, really hard to make sure his girls are taken care of and i know he is frustrated* i decided to let him cool off and give him some space* he took r*a*s to school and i did some research on the blood pressure thing trying to figure out just how bad all of that looks* in the middle of my research i decided to check to see if my last grade was posted for the spring semester* i seriously made myself sick when i saw it* i was expecting an A and when the grade came up it said F(obviously this was wrong)* even though i knew an error had been made a million things flew threw my mind* how could this have happened* i called m*d*s in absolute hysterics (he now felt horrible for how he had acted this morning--- since it added a lot of unnecessary stress to my morning)* long story short, half way into last semester my last name changed with the school* there was a miscommunication between my professor and administration and she had given me the wrong grade thinking i was a mystery student who had never attended her class* all of this is now cleared up*

m*d*s took on the task of trying to grow grass in the yard of the house we are renting* i am excited to report that it has started to grow* this afternoon (if it warms up) i am going to let r*a*s jump threw the sprinkler (one of her all time fav things to do)* last night was r*a*s seventh night of putting herself to bed after her bath and our reading time together (her sticker chart is working)* i am so proud of her* she still has a couple of tears when i leave (which is hard) but, we give each other a lot of hugs and kisses and after about 30 minutes she is out like a light* i think she is getting better sleep* she is waking up earlier which is kind of a pain but, she waking up at the same time every morning which means she is getting consistent sleep*

tomorrow is grandparents day at r*a*s school* since she does not have any grandparents in memphis one of our very best "grandfriends" will be attending* she is so excited about this and so am i* i think i will sneak around tomorrow and take pictures of the event* tomorrow i will post about how everything went (im sure it will be fantastic)*

Chlodzic,
TFS

The Melt Down

last night, m*d*s witnessed an emotional melt down that was long overdue* i had been holding this thing in for months* i honestly cannot remember the last time i cried like that* there were points durning the melt down where i could not get air* i was pretty sure that m*d*s was going to think this was hormone related but, by the end of it--we both realized it wasn't* there were several reasons for my melt down*

1) i do not expect a thing from anyone regarding this pregnancy but, the acknowledgement and celebration that we are bring a new life into our little family would be nice* no presents necessary, just some extra love* my mom is the only one to ask so far if i need anything (emotionally or physically)*
2) pregnancy with r*a*s was pretty dramatic* there were some people who were not pleased and made things extremely stressful* some people tried to take the enjoyment and happiness away* i am sad that i won't get that back*
3) the realization that i haven't had anyone ask if i need anything because i don't have friends to ask me*
4) i really miss being in austin* we have two neighbors with kids within 6 months of r*a*s--i have asked so many times if one of the families wants to have a play date and they refuse* the other family is a spanish speaking family and i have a really hard time communicating with them* i would love for r*a*s to play with their daughter--it would be a bonus that she was being exposed to a different culture but, the mom does not speak a lick of english*
5) i love talking to r*a*s--- i love spending time with her and i feel really lucky that i have so much time to be with her* however, having conversation mainly with a 2 year old wears on you* some adult conversation other than all the forced bs people seem to ask me (hows your marriage yadda yadda) would be nice*

m*d*s openly admits that he does not do well with conversations like this* he always wants to fix my problems* this stuff--- he cant fix* however, last night, he was really awesome* he even offered to have a party for me* seriously* m*d*s and i have been through some really difficult things* i have had a lot of people ask me what i'm doing and i have had some people end friendship with me (another thing i cried about last night) because i decided to work it out* i wish i could tell all those people what happened last night* that is why i'm still here* m*d*s has his hard days-- just like we all do, he makes some bad choices--just like we all do, and he doesn't always do things the way people thinks he should* but, my god, when he gets it right---he really gets it right*  this man would jump threw a number of hoops to try to make me happy* last night, without even realizing it-- he hit the nail right on the head* he sat there and listened to me cry for a long time and then not because he had to as my husband but because he really wanted to said, "i will do something for you--do you want a party*" its making me cry right now just thinking about it* after all my complaining and once the situation shook out---i realized how lucky i am to have even one person walking with me* the more i thought about it the more i realized there are others (big shout out to my mom here), and r*a*s as well* i now know (which i should have known the whole time) that as soon as k*a*s gets here my m*d*s, r*a*s, and my mom will all be here* even though i needed to look at things a different way to see it---they have been here the whole time* i am not alone in this*

Chlodzic,
TFS

The Entry of R*A*S

when i first saw r*a*s- i thought my whole heart was about to explode* r*a*s was due august 9th 2009* but apparently, she had different plans* over the 4th of july m*d*s and i were house sitting for  family* i woke up on the 3rd feeling really strange* i couldn't get out of bed* i mean, seriously could not get out of bed* it felt like a train had hit me right in the groan* every time i tried to move my legs i doubled over in pain* after about half an hour i started to feel better* with the help of m*d*s (i think he thought i was being a baby) i was able to get out of bed* i sat around for the rest of the day taking it easy but, 8pm rolled around and the pain was so intense it felt like i was going to throw up* our family member had a big garden tub* m*d*s had to help but, the warm bath seemed to relax everything* i debated calling my dr (who was out of town) but talked myself out of it* it felt like maybe, somehow, i had just pulled something* the pain woke me up at about 6am on the 4th* while it hurt really bad the day before this pain told me something was seriously wrong* i called my doctors office (remember it's a holiday)* the nurse on the phone was no help* i kept telling her the pain was unreal and that i physically could not stand* she pretty much kept saying that it made no sense and that i had just pulled something* finally, after not hearing what i wanted to, i told her that r*a*s hadn't been moving (lie)* she told me to go to labor and delivery* so, m*d*s and i drove up to the hospital* my mom followed us there* they hooked me up to the monitors and checked me* after the nurse checked me she really didn't say much--in fact, she just kind of went white and walked out* she came back about 5 minutes later and started really pushing on my stomach* i kept asking her what she was doing and she wouldn't answer me* at this point i was getting pretty nervous* i worked myself up thinking that maybe something had happened to r*a*s- finally she looked at me and said, "your in labor AND your 3cm dilated*" now, listen* i hadn't felt a single contraction* the whole time she was pushing on my stomach i felt nothing* i was in the end of my 34th week and knew it was probably a little early to be having r*a*s- after awhile they decided on meds to "stop the labor (which i still never felt)" after the contractions became irregular they sent me home with the instructions to visit my doctor the following week*

a week passed* nothing else seemed to happen and the pain stopped* m*d*s and i were still house sitting when my appointment rolled around the following thursday* my appointment was at 8am and all i remember about that morning was waking up in the worst mood* i drove m*d*s and myself to my moms (which was located within 5 minutes walking distance to my drs office) i picked up a balance bar and took off to the appointment* m*d*s had not made a habit of coming to my appointments* i'm not sure what had changed on this particular day but, thank god he was there* i got back to the room and the nurse who i had every appointment was not back there (my dr was still out of town)* another nurse came in to take my blood pressure* she took it, said nothing to m*d*s or me, left the cuff attached to my arm, threw her stethoscope in my lap, forced my head down to the pillow on the table, and ran out of the room* next thing i know, there are 2 other nurses following the original one along with a nurse practitioner and a wheel chair* wtf is going on* m*d*s had this look of absolute panic on his face* the nurse practitioner threw my legs apart (excuse the graphic nature of this) and said (not to me but, to everyone else) shes fully effaced* at this point, i am completely worked up* wtf is going on* the nurse i always had came running in last* they told me something was going on with my blood pressure and that i needed to get to the hospital right away* since, i have been told by several doctors that i had the most severe case of eclampsia they have seen, ever*

it took them awhile to decide what to do once i made it to the hospital* there was a cat-walk connecting my doctors office to labor and delivery wing of the hospital so, by the time i got checked in it was probably 8:45am* m*d*s went to work* everyone had made it seem like they just had me there for monitoring* to the health care providers i kept seeing it did not seem that i was the typical candidate for eclampsia* everyone seemed a bit thrown off* m*d*s came back around lunch time to check on me* he stayed with me for awhile but, had plans to leave and take care of some chores* the doctor came in about 4:30pm* he had me sit up (something they had forbid me from doing all day-- i had stayed on my left side)* and took my blood pressure* it was so high that he refused to let me see the monitor* m*d*s caught a glimpse 188/128^* all the doctor said was, "were having a baby today" and pushed my head back down (something that had now become a normal occurrence)* they decided to start the induction around 7pm on the 9th* my mom got off work and she and m*d*s went to dinner (they had not allowed me to eat all day)* they got back about 7:15* for the first hour and a half of the induction i felt nothing* i had decided to go the drug free route but, i had not had any classes* i had an amazing nurse up until 7pm who on her way out showed me how to breath* my doctor was convinced that i would not make it threw the delivery drug free* he even said-- it would probably be better for you to the have the epidural considering the circumstances* i asked if r*a*s or myself were at any greater risk without it, he said no not really, so i stuck to my plan* around 8:30pm the new rector and his wife from the church where my dad had previously been employed stopped by* i was still feeling fine* he asked if i wanted to pray (sure, it couldn't hurt right)* about half way threw the prayer (we were all holding hands) all hell broke loose in my uterus* intense labor started* there was a flood of friends and family that came in and out of that room for the next two hours* i remember m*d*s and his two best friends looking at me with the biggest eyes i have ever seen but, anyone else who had come in that room--- i couldn't tell you* the president of the united states might have stopped by that night--couldn't tell you* at 11pm they decided that "i wasn't contracting properly (even though i assured them very firmly that i was)* i guess i wasn't convincing enough because in went an internal monitor* i had to have a calth put in earlier because of the meds they had me on* i guess my body decided that there was too much going in and trying to come out* the head nurse informed me that i was still only about 5cms dilated (at the time she place the monitor) and that the monitor was going to stay* from 11pm-11:33pm i went from 5cm to 10cm's, 2 pushes, and a baby r*a*s- my doctor was putting on his last boot as he caught r*a*s- his mouth was open when i looked up* she was perfect* the most beautiful, precious, gift i have ever seen* as the doctor handed her over to me he said, "i have never seen a baby look just like a porcelain doll*" the doctor was not a warm and fuzzy kind of guy* in fact, we had been bumping heads pretty much the all day* he had his ideas of how i should do things and i was stubborn in the way i wanted to do them* we agreed on one thing though- r*a*s was amazing* since r*a*s was born at 36 weeks they took her away from me pretty quickly* there was a chance that her lungs were still not fully developed and it was important that they work on her fast* m*d*s followed them the whole time* by the grace of god, r*a*s was perfectly healthy* she weighed 5.6lbs and i cannot tell  you how many people and nurses said, "i can't believe she is so small and doing just fine without help from the NICU* she was my little fire cracker baby* beautiful, perfect, fragile, and feisty*

not a day goes by where all of doesn't slip into mind at least once* having a medical background i am in total awe of all the things that must go right for a human to get its feet on this physical earth* now that r*a*s is a pre-schooler there are days that i want to pull all my hair out* but god, she is still so perfect* i have said it in other post but, i love this kid, to the moon and back all around the whole universe and threw the starts for infinite miles i love this kid* she brings so much happiness to my life* no matter how frustrated i get, or how much she hates me in her teen years, i hope she always knows how much i love her* at some point she is going to figure out that m*d*s and i did not plan to have her when we did* some days i worry about that because she was not a mistake* she is our whole world and we would both be completely empty and incomplete without her*

Chlodzic,
TFS

i started my freshman year of college at the university of arizona* i received an academic scholarship from my work in high school* the time durning my application process was pretty crazy at home* my parents were going threw an extremely nasty divorce* when i say extremely---i mean seriously* i did not apply to a single school in the state of texas* i was so ready to get out of that mess* the start to my year in arizona was amazing* i missed my mom a lot but, things were really great* all went smoothly until i hit spring break* my parents had not been in the same room with each other (except for legal dealings) since december of my senior year of high school (2005)* the day before i was leaving to go back to school i walked downstairs (at my moms house) to find my dad* i knew something was really wrong* the reasons behind my parents divorced had remained private due to my fathers employment* had it been brought to the public attention (particularly the bishop) what my father had been d*o*i*n*g for the past eight years -- he most likely would loose his job* this scenario had played out the day before my return to arizona and guess what---dad lost his job* everything got really warped* it was like my universe started to physically cave in on me* to make matters worse-- out of state tuition-- well, that was no longer an option (even with my scholarship)* i got on a plan the next day, went back to school and, preceded to self destruct* some how, by what was probably an act of god, i maintained my grades* but, in the last 2 months of school i was black-listed from two different fraternity houses, lost every friend i had made, lost about twenty pounds, ran into my ex and caused a huge scene (twice) (in public) and, cried every single second of every single day* someone referring to me as a hot mess durning this time would be putting it lightly*

my dad came to pick me up from school in may (2007) (since he was unemployed and all) and i had to sit in a car with him back to austin for 14 something hours* i moved back in with my mom and then she gave me the w-o-r-s-t news--- she wouldn't let me get a dog (?)* since i was pretty much loosing my since of reality this sent me over the edge* i moved in with a really great friend (who was in my wedding) and almost ruined that relationship* after a semester of being back home i got accepted to texas state (spring 2008)* i moved to san marcos where i preceded to almost fail out (my first public admittance of this fact) and spent my second semester of texas state (i have now been back home for a year) on probation* they did not have a nursing program at texas state at the time so i picked the next best thing (special education?) i hated every second of my time there (except when i was laying out by the pool or a keg plopped down on my porch with all my "friends" from austin)* things just went from bad to worse* my best girlfriend at the time (now my sister in-law) kept me somewhat sane* somehow i managed to get on the other side of all this (all things considered) without really messing up my life* i just looked like a total shit show for a year and a half* embarrassing*

in september of 2008 i turned 21* i was standing outside one of my favorite mexican restaurants with a group of friends and my mom waiting to be seated* my friend who had been there loyally while i self destructed was standing on a parking stump with me* we had joked durning the last two years about how funny it would be if i married into the family (via her older brother)* i had seen him a few times once at their dads house, once a dinner with their mom, and once at a party* all three times this guy did not give me the time of day* he vaguely knew who i was but, had never said more than "hi*" he was a good looking guy and always seemed to have this mystery about him --- like he knew all the cool things happening* i never had a problem finding guys to date* it was never really much work (as conceded as this sounds--hhah) so i really didn't push to receive this guys attention* as my friend and i stood on this stump-- out of no where she goes, "if you can spell our last name i will call my brother so he can wish you happy birthday*" their last name is a killer and since i am dyslexic the odds were totally in her favor* fate however, had a different plan* somehow--i spelled their name* as he wished me happy birthday i got this really strange feeling--* the phone call was short and quick* the rest of the night preceded as a normal 21st birthday would* two days later, i heard from m*d*s


hey

hey hope you had a good 21st, heard about the poor lady in kirby lane, she shouldnt have been standing in front of you right?!?! well I lost my phone shortly after we talked but should have a new one by the end of the week just give me a call.

P.S. nice lab!

Matt

Thank you for the message Matthew!!!!!!
Yeah that lady should not have been standing in my way. I think I had made it pretty clear when I busted through the bathroom door that a fountain of 21 drinks was about to bust out of my body at any moment. However, I still felt REALLY bad about throwing up on her.

I am sorry to hear about your cell phone, that is really not fun. I know how it goes. I hope that you had an awesome weekend, and that your week so far is going well. I am glad that you finally know my plan to become a S*******(our last name)!

Whenever you get your phone you can give me a call... (512)***-****

Talk to you soon

PS-She is really pretty isn't she.. I thought you had meet the poo...

Taylor

a few days later he did call me* i was sitting on the floor with my roommate eating chicken nuggets* once again--the feeling came* two months later, i was pregnant* all of the events that lead to my meeting of m*d*s were really difficult* the events after we found out we were pregnant were difficult* however, when i think about it-- m*d*s and r*a*s saved me* i found out yesterday that i made deans list this semester* i am in nursing school (not special education) which is where i always wanted to be* i have a little family unit and even though things are crazy 80% of the time* its really amazing* i love my husband, love my kid, love my baby to be, and i love myself* i have come a long way from the train wreck i was allowing myself to live* some days are really hard* some days are not so hard* but unlike a few years ago-- i am moving forward* i no longer allow myself to sit in a muddy mess*

Chlodzic,
TFS

Georiga, Georiga On My Mind

i guess easter weekend worn me out* i remember when i was in high school how hard it was for me to get up in the morning (i'm sure my mom remembers too)* i was a total sleep hound and to be honest i still enjoy my sleep* since r*a*s- has come along i have gotten better about being able to pop straight out of bed on her demands* this morning was a little different* i was really dragging my feet* i was so tired that i decided to turn a movie on netflix and let her sit in bed with me while i snoozed for a few more minutes* i finally got up and decided that maybe a shower would wake me up* nope* i actually fell asleep standing up in the shower* this is super scary considering i am 7.5 months pregnant* i turned the bath on and got r*a*s in there with me to make sure i stayed awake* then we crawled back into bed and i forced her to nap* she was tired too* m*d*s- got off work early today (thank god)* he is still waiting to hear if he is going to have to pick up another job at 4* fingers crossed the answer to that is no*

i still have a lot to accomplish to get ready for this baby* most of these things should have already been done but---they---haven't* today, i should have gotten up and really started working on all of this* but---i---didn't---- :)* r*a*s and i have started on a project together and it has me distracted* we started a garden* anyone who knows me is probably aware that i have a reputation of being able to kill a cactus* i am hoping r*a*s- will bring some luck to our growing adventures* when r*a*s was about 9 months, the two of us spent some time in georgia* my biomoms extended family had a back house and needed someone to come "help" while a knee surgery was taking place* things were sort of crazy in austin and it seemed like a great opportunity to get away and clear my head* one of my duties in georgia was tending to the garden* this-was-horrible* they had a huge, gigantic, enormous, etc--- plot that was fenced in* this plot was at the top of their half mile driveway--- which i am sure was scaled to resemble mt. everest--- which i hiked twice a day to get to the garden* i have never seen so many horrible bugs in all my life, never been so itchy, muddy and dirty* i tended to this garden all while having a 9 month old hanging on my front in a baby bjorn* anyone who has spent even 5 seconds in the georgia mountain area  (late spring) will know how hot and humid that place is* oh my gosh, it makes my skin crawl just thinking about it*

aside from the garden my time in georgia with r*a*s- was really awesome* the back house i referred to sat high above a river* the whole front of the back house was a giant window that opened onto a porch* at night, after r*a*s- was asleep, i would sit outside and listen to the river* the family i was staying with lived in a really secluded area* some nights it was so quite that i would get the creeps* i remember being able to breath easy there* r*a*s was learning how to stand up and walk* i remember spending hours on the floor just watching* i had no tv, the internet was pretty shotty, and i went 2 months touching my cell phone only twice* i really needed this* things had been so crazy since i found out i was pregnant with r*a*s- that i had never really had time to think* i wasn't sad, i wasn't mad, i wasn't unhappy---i just was* i feel like i found a piece of myself durning this time* i learned that i could stand on my own to feet and just be alone and still* things had always been so dramatic that i didn't know what it was like to just be* i taught myself to breath and i found a lot of peace in the path my life had taken* this morning i felt worn out again* overloaded* exhausted* when i looked out my window and saw the garden r*a*s and i started it made me laugh* that is my simple reminder of georgia* i brought this back into my life on a subconscious level* i hope maybe i can pass the peace onto r*a*s-* as horrible as that garden was in georgia and for all the times i vowed i would never put myself with that chore again* here i am-- finding my peace in a raw, stripped down, fullfilling growth*

Chlodzic,
TFS

easter was a success* r*a*s- had a blast* last night the easter bunny hung streamers in the doorway, put up all kinds of fun spring-looking decorations, hid 12 eggs, and put out all of the goodies* the easter bunny had so much fun* during the day yesterday, r*a*s and i dyed some eggs and r*a*s decorated an easter tree* last year was so crazy that i can't even remember what we did for easter (that is so sad)* i don't think this year could be forgotten* the joy on r*a*s face both yesterday and this morning made my whole heart sing* she ran circles around the room when she saw everything*

since we were having so much fun yesterday, i did not have time for the blog* durning the day, things would pop into mind that i should write about* this morning, i finally decided on my easter discussion* i always have a lot of mixed feelings this time of year* when i think about easter--- i mostly think about sacrifice*

1. the offering of animal, plant, or human life or of some material possession  to a deity, as in propitiation or homage.

2. the person, animal, or thing so offered.

3. the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

4. the thing so surrendered or devoted.

5. a loss incurred in selling something below its value.

 

from my years 14-21 i focused a lot on the "sacrifices" i was making (not buying the "it" shirt from the "it" place so that i could use my own money for gas to get to school and not ask my parents)* looking back on the referred to-- they were never really "sacrifices*" i do not believe that i ever gave up something truly prized for the pure benefit of another animal life* as i get older, i certainly value the breath i have been given by my higher-power* however, i value the breath of my loved ones more* if you had asked me when i was 20, "would you step in front of a bullet for (insert name here)" i probably would have told you yes* the reason for my reply would have been because doing so would have been expected and "right*" it is right to sacrifice ourselves for others* i am pretty secure in my thoughts at 24 that looking back to myself at 20 this is all BS* to sacrifice ones life because it is "right" is not really sacrifice at all* sacrifice for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim (more precious) and making this sacrifice wholeheartedly seems to be something worth praising* would i sacrifice my own life for my children* yes* would i sacrifice my own life for my husband* yes* would i sacrifice my own life for my mother, father, or sister* yes* would i sacrifice my life for a friend who has been in my life for a year* i wish i could say wholeheartedly that i would* however, when push came to shove---i think i might play dead* my reason for this is  not because i fear death and not because i do not love my neighbor* my reason--i have family* they are considered my higher more pressing claim* we are all human and we all have our line for true sacrifice*

 

when i think about organized religion and the man---i can see why they say it was the ultimate sacrifice* gosh---if i gave up my life for the whole of humanity--people i both knew and didn't and nowhere in my heart did i have any any other reason for this sacrifice (like it being my duty) except that the whole of humanity was my more pressing claim, i would hope there was an entire day to celebrate my gift to all the world* as sacrilegious as it may sound--- i really have struggled with this idea over the years* if i was this man, hanging on a cross, giving my life for people who were standing below me ridiculing me, torturing me, mocking me--- my human response would be to have some doubt* i wonder where his line was* i wonder if he even had a line* i wonder, am i selfish because i have such a short line* how does one believe in something so deeply and so huge to sacrifice for all humanity* it really just doesn't seem within the human nature* i guess this is where faith starts*

 

Chlodzic,
TFS

Rock-A-Baby

trying to help r*a*s- into a sleep routine has been difficult* at one point, we had it down pat* then we had people come visit and since the guest room wasn't set up yet, they stayed in her room and she stayed with us* this-was-a-mistake* it breaks my heart to hear her cry and call for me* last night wasn't so bad* she didn't cry or scream, she just sat in her room for two straight hours talking to herself* at one point i had myself convinced that going out-back and cutting my foot off was going to be less painful than listening to another minute of soft begging* i finally gave in* i love this kid- to the moon and back and all around the universe (i tell her this all the time)*

this week has been difficult* no particular reason* i think it might be hormones but, dang---i feel funny* the thought of taking a break from my facebook makes me nuts* this has proven even more how important it is that i do this* only a handful of people have gotten in touch with me about the issue of facebook* while that fact further confirms my point--- it makes me sad* i have lost touch with my "peeps*" most of this--not my doing* after we moved to memphis, people sort of just stopped answering phone calls etc* i haven't made that many friends in memphis* i feel sort of guilty because my husband is pretty much my only friend at the moment---he knows it too* i would not change much of anything though* i have a really awesome family, a really cool kid, and a new baby on the way all of these things deserve my focus at this stage of life* trust me, i get so much more back from =these people than what i give* as sad as this stuff makes me--- when i think about it, i know i'm exactly where i should be*

back in december our little family was dealing with a lot* in fact, i feel like even the six months prior to that we were overloaded with junk* my husband started working for this company that ended up being connected with an over seas mafia (how nuts is that) trying to get him out of it sucked* he walked into it completely unknowing and was just trying to make an honest living as a locksmith* we did not know about the scandal associated with some of those "companies*" anyway, things came to a head back in december when my husband was held at gun point* after this, i insisted that money was totally unimportant because i didn't know what i would do without that "only friend*" very carefully we pulled him out of the "company" that was honestly about to kill him physically and mentally* since all of this, he has landed a really great job* i am so proud of him* he is still starting out so things are still tight when it comes to finances but, he is so happy it doesn't even matter* right in the middle of trying to pull m*d*s- out of this "company" one of the guys that worked with him wrecked one of our cars* that landed us right in the middle of a lawsuit* the lady who the guy hit claimed she was "emotionally hurt" i had to get a family lawyer (thank god for those) involved* one day i hope that lady wakes up and smells her own b*s* the guy who wrecked our car--i feel bad for him* he called me today, saying the was going to have to scrap the jeep* for some reason i got really angry-- not typical of my character in things like this* i didn't let him know i was angry but, i wish all things wrapped up in that "company" would just go away* on top of the car issue--we are dealing with tax issues from that "company*" basically they are trying to put off some of their taxes onto m*d*s- these people are scum* we will leave it at that*

i am looking forward to this weekend with my family* r*a*s- is so excited about the easter bunny i think she may combust* tomorrow, weather permitting, (since she will be out of school) i plan to take her to the zoo* she has been talking about the elephants all week* today, it's raining* when she realized that the elephants were probably get wet i thought she was going to throw herself into a tailspin of hysterics* this child is a total blessing*

Chlodzic,
TFS

28.5 Weeks In

28.5 weeks with baby #2 and feeling slightly overwhelmed (but totally excited)* looking back on my pregnancy with r*a*s- i can now see how easy that experience was* although she came early, everything went really smoothly up until the traumatic induction that happened so fast i couldn't even think about what was going on (blood pressure issues there too)* with r*a*s- it was pretty much 36 weeks of mommy and baby in belly time* this pregnancy, not so much* starting at 8 weeks my blood pressure started acting squirrely and it has felt more like "mommy BP cuff time" than
"mommy spend your time cookin' a baby" *i still don't think i have been given a "real" answer as to why my BP has been acting so nutty even after what feels like 2304823048 trips to the OBGYN and cardiologist*

last week they started me on a beta blocker* this made me want to throw up all over myself* being a nursing student i am pretty sensitive to drug research and i am worried about what this could mean for the bun cookin' in there* i know that the risk the BP was posing makes the meds necessary but still folks' grr..... i ran up to school and starting searching the medical journals and what i found made me almost fall backwards out of the chair* basically, what the research said was (adverse reaction found in fetal rabbits- no known research on human mother and fetus) rabbits? seriously* anyways, my husband has been dealing with stuff and i decided that the extra stress of a rabbit discussion was not really going to help matters* i decided to wait until my appointment today, with my OBGYN (i was seeing my normal doctor who had not prescribed the beta blocker) and in the mean time talked my mommy's ear off about my new found obsession with fetal rabbit/humans*

so now we are caught up to my appointment today* my blood pressure was normal again (without taking the beta blocker this morning)- which is very good news but frustrating at the same time* my doctor told me what to look for, when to take the beta blocker, and gave me some pretty crazy looks durning our "visit" (without me bring up the subject of rabbits)* i decided it was time for me to go ahead and ask her what the delivery plan looked like at this point* her response "get ready for a baby* at this point its a game to see how long you can keep her in there" thanks doc*

anyways, after all of this i drove very quietly to go pick up r*a*s-  on my way there i thought about a
lot of things* mainly how my growing child is about 2.5lbs right now* i tried to comfort myself and remind myself of all the medical advances in NICU care and how awesome my husband, 2 year old, mom, bio-mom (will make a new post about that) and mother in-law are* i know that even if this baby comes tomorrow that i have some really "tight" people who are going to lift up my little family with love and support* after coming to this peace i decided to take a look at how i had been doing things for the last 7months and what i could potentially change to give myself more time to prepare for this huge change that could come any second and currently presenting a lot of unknowns*

1) love my family more-  lots of hugs
2) start a blog and actually stick with it
3) get my house together
4) take a break from facebook and move to this blog- the people who really care about what i have to say would enjoy a blog more
                                  
Chlodzic,
TFS