The Melt Down

last night, m*d*s witnessed an emotional melt down that was long overdue* i had been holding this thing in for months* i honestly cannot remember the last time i cried like that* there were points durning the melt down where i could not get air* i was pretty sure that m*d*s was going to think this was hormone related but, by the end of it--we both realized it wasn't* there were several reasons for my melt down*

1) i do not expect a thing from anyone regarding this pregnancy but, the acknowledgement and celebration that we are bring a new life into our little family would be nice* no presents necessary, just some extra love* my mom is the only one to ask so far if i need anything (emotionally or physically)*
2) pregnancy with r*a*s was pretty dramatic* there were some people who were not pleased and made things extremely stressful* some people tried to take the enjoyment and happiness away* i am sad that i won't get that back*
3) the realization that i haven't had anyone ask if i need anything because i don't have friends to ask me*
4) i really miss being in austin* we have two neighbors with kids within 6 months of r*a*s--i have asked so many times if one of the families wants to have a play date and they refuse* the other family is a spanish speaking family and i have a really hard time communicating with them* i would love for r*a*s to play with their daughter--it would be a bonus that she was being exposed to a different culture but, the mom does not speak a lick of english*
5) i love talking to r*a*s--- i love spending time with her and i feel really lucky that i have so much time to be with her* however, having conversation mainly with a 2 year old wears on you* some adult conversation other than all the forced bs people seem to ask me (hows your marriage yadda yadda) would be nice*

m*d*s openly admits that he does not do well with conversations like this* he always wants to fix my problems* this stuff--- he cant fix* however, last night, he was really awesome* he even offered to have a party for me* seriously* m*d*s and i have been through some really difficult things* i have had a lot of people ask me what i'm doing and i have had some people end friendship with me (another thing i cried about last night) because i decided to work it out* i wish i could tell all those people what happened last night* that is why i'm still here* m*d*s has his hard days-- just like we all do, he makes some bad choices--just like we all do, and he doesn't always do things the way people thinks he should* but, my god, when he gets it right---he really gets it right*  this man would jump threw a number of hoops to try to make me happy* last night, without even realizing it-- he hit the nail right on the head* he sat there and listened to me cry for a long time and then not because he had to as my husband but because he really wanted to said, "i will do something for you--do you want a party*" its making me cry right now just thinking about it* after all my complaining and once the situation shook out---i realized how lucky i am to have even one person walking with me* the more i thought about it the more i realized there are others (big shout out to my mom here), and r*a*s as well* i now know (which i should have known the whole time) that as soon as k*a*s gets here my m*d*s, r*a*s, and my mom will all be here* even though i needed to look at things a different way to see it---they have been here the whole time* i am not alone in this*

Chlodzic,
TFS